Tag Archives: Positivity

Anger May Be Cathartic, But It Is Still Bad For You

Cancer, Fear, Health and Wellness, Reason, , , , ,

Being honest about our emotions is not always easy. Add a chronic or terminal illness into the mix and things always seem to get tougher. Sadness, self-pity (or loathing), denial, depression and, of course, our friend Anger, all come out to play.

Emotions can bubble up unexpectedly, violently, or simmer beneath the surface. They can trip a person up, derail a perfectly calm and pleasant morning, confuse everybody in the room and change just about any dynamic without a glimmer of grace or sense of appropriate timing. Emotions run counter to that thread of logic that many of us cling to for sanity, bubbling and popping and roiling all over our bodies like some adolescent’s acne. Yet, quite unlike the exquisite release of a properly ripe whitehead, venting our emotions can be done in decent company and in a healthy, scar-free manner — as long as anger does not get the upper hand.

The first thing to realize is that we are not fully in control of how we feel. We can work on our frame of mind constantly, quite successfully, and still not be 100% in charge.

Continue reading Anger May Be Cathartic, But It Is Still Bad For You →

The Chemo Diaries Round Seven: Maintenance Begins

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Last Wednesday I had another CT scan to see how the initial six rounds of chemotherapy played out. On Friday I finally got around to looking at the images on my computer, whisking through cross sections of my body to try and get an idea of what was going on in there. On Sunday night I finally remembered the web site to check for the imaging results so I could read the reports. Then on Monday I went in to consult with my oncologist about what the reports actually meant and to verify what the next phase was going to be for my treatment.

We had anticipated that the tumor would likely not be gone. The previous scan in February had shown a distinct reduction in the tumor size, but not an overwhelming reduction. It seemed highly unlikely to me that it would shrink away in less than two months. So seeing it present on the scans and reading in the report that it was, at best, only marginally smaller was not a huge surprise. I was happy to read, however,

Continue reading The Chemo Diaries Round Seven: Maintenance Begins →

The Chemo Diaries Round Six: Cycles End, Cycles Begin

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Going into the final round of what I term Phase One of my treatment, I am reflecting a bit on two coincidences that have given me plenty to ruminate on. One of these is the fact that of one of my high school friends who I have not seen in far too many years informed me recently that her spouse is also going through chemotherapy and, interestingly, was just about a week ahead of me in the treatment schedule. The other coincidence of merit this week is that my neighbor will be starting her own chemo treatments at the same time I go in to complete my initial run of this badass toxic cocktail before moving toward a kinder and gentler maintenance schedule.

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Ready for my hook up, Nurse!

Neither of these coincidentally timed treatments are for the same cancer, which would have been too weird for believability anyway, and we probably won’t share identical side effects across the board or react too similarly to the drugs, but there is still a commonality of experience that cannot be denied. My friend from high school is one of those rare and thoughtful people who is cursed with the right balance of kindness and patience to really place herself in the center of care giving. It feels weird saying this, but I would not wish that upon anyone, as great a gift as it is. This goes back to my issue with patient guilt, perhaps; I feel lacking when I cannot help those suffering worse than me or I feel guilty about not suffering as much as them, and this extrapolates to me not wanting others to suffer as a result of my condition or being forced to take care of me. Continue reading The Chemo Diaries Round Six: Cycles End, Cycles Begin →

The Chemo Diaries Round Five: Egg Counting

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It’s that old adage of counting them before they are hatched. That’s probably what I should have been considering yesterday, one might suggest, because I did go out running around as though everything were back to normal. Not entirely, of course, but enough; so today, which is the fifth day of my fifth round, I woke extra wiped out. Although to say that I “woke” that way is being kind of generous. Really, I simply had not slept. Continue reading The Chemo Diaries Round Five: Egg Counting →

The Chemo Diaries Round Five: Hiccups in the System

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Side Effects and Annoyances

It only took about fifteen minutes for the hiccups to begin. By the time I sat in the car and turned on the ignition, I could feel them coming on. But the good news was they only lasted a few minutes and by the time I had pulled out of the parking structure after my infusion, they were all but gone. Hiccups are an odd addition to my routine over the past month or so, and they really came on strong the week after Round Four, though I had all but forgotten about them since. After returning from the infusion this time, they only popped up a few times, as though to remind me that I shouldn’t be complacent about the effects of the chemotherapy, even though I generally feel just fine on infusion days. Continue reading The Chemo Diaries Round Five: Hiccups in the System →

Guilt of the Patient

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Genuinely, I sometimes wonder when I hear stories of other cancer patients who are suffering so much worse than me with their treatments, whether I should feel guilty about how well I appear to be doing, comparatively. It is an irrational reaction, of course, as I am not responsible for how other people respond to their chosen treatments, nor do I have any level of control over their physical health either before or after their cancer was discovered. Yet it pains me to hear these stories and realize that there is so little I can offer to ease the suffering.

In many of these cases, the patient remains upbeat, even happy, throughout the story. Tougher than I, these characters. Stronger of will, because they endure more by choice, determined to lick their adversary. And lick it they shall, because these are cancers that, even far along, can now be cured or, more practically speaking, be diminished to the point of near eradication. And this, in spite of the heavier toll paid for the intense beat down of the chemo cocktail, makes me feel a little jealous. And that jealousy makes me feel guilty, too.

And then along comes my friend, Carlos. A refuge from El Salvador, Carlos came to California with the hope of finding some treatment for his leukemia. He is a slight fellow, but only on the outside.
Continue reading Guilt of the Patient →

Survival Rate Statistics and What They Don’t Tell You

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The other day I was having a discussion and it came to light that statistics had been bandied about quite early in my post-diagnostic journey. Now, I’m no stranger to statistics, but odds are that, whether you realize it or not, most of you are. That is not to say you have never heard any quoted or identified yourselves among some figure cited here or there… The truth is, one way or another, we are all statistics. And that means, well, virtually nothing. Moreover, even if one out of ten of us understands that even if the median reader gave up two sentences ago and clicked off this page, some readers will actually read most or maybe even all of what I am typing up here, this understanding is still only a basic understanding of a type of statistical qualifier and hardly bridges the gap between acquaintance and friend.

Which is all just a very wordy way of saying that statistics should only be read when one is prepared to interpret them, and while interpreting them it is important to remember that they often cannot highlight a “truth” without refined analysis. Such is the case with the statistical survival rates of adenocarcinoma, my particular flavor of cancer.

By the time I had received my diagnosis, Continue reading Survival Rate Statistics and What They Don’t Tell You →

Maximizing Your Cancer Benefits

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While it may seem oxymoronic to use the term “benefits” in conjunction with a cancer diagnosis, the fact is that there are going to be some options that open to the cancer patient and ways to take advantage of them which might not be immediately obvious. And the best way to maximize these benefits, of course, begins with an early diagnosis. Just like everything cancer related, the earlier the diagnosis the better, though no matter how late the diagnosis comes it will always be better than an even later one.

Because cancers tend to move at varied rates, it is important to know whether a cancer is of the slow and steady variety or if it particularly aggressive. The options available for an aggressive cancer are naturally slimmer, largely because that cancer needs to be attacked right away. But this can, in its own way, be liberating. When our set of choices is reduced to the bare minimum, it frees us up to focus on other things. There is somehow, amazingly, less to worry about. I do A or B, it works or it doesn’t. There is no waiting or wasting time, just getting into action and rolling with it.

And focusing, then, on what really matters. Continue reading Maximizing Your Cancer Benefits →

The “C” Card and When To Play It

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There is an old saying that we must “play the hand we’re dealt.” It’s a poker reference, of course, though it is relevant to non-gamblers, too. The gist of the message is that we need to adapt to our circumstances and use the resources that are available to us. But there is a hidden message, too, which the card sharps among us might already have gleaned. Kenny Rogers famously sang that “you’ve got to know when to hold ’em.” But what he didn’t really get to in that song was knowing when to play the cards you have.

Don’t be afraid to play the cards you have. Continue reading The “C” Card and When To Play It →

Cancer: What You Think It Is May Be Just Bad For You

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Cancer Is Not Intelligent, Cancer Has No Will

Discussing cancer in general terms often leads to insinuations that Cancer has a motivation. It “overcomes” the immune system. It “figures out” how to defeat a drug. It “is surprisingly good at mutating” into something that can continue to grow in spite of whatever is attacking it. It is “nefarious.” All of these descriptions, and there are hundreds more, imply that Cancer wants something, that it is making an effort, that it has an agenda or goal; the implication is that Cancer has a mind. This is a fallacy of thought that not only makes general discussion more difficult, but it actually can impede treatment and healing. Continue reading Cancer: What You Think It Is May Be Just Bad For You →