There is an old saying that we must “play the hand we’re dealt.” It’s a poker reference, of course, though it is relevant to non-gamblers, too. The gist of the message is that we need to adapt to our circumstances and use the resources that are available to us. But there is a hidden message, too, which the card sharps among us might already have gleaned. Kenny Rogers famously sang that “you’ve got to know when to hold ’em.” But what he didn’t really get to in that song was knowing when to play the cards you have.
Don’t be afraid to play the cards you have.
When I have given people the information about my cancer diagnosis for the first time, they invariably end up saying the same basic, decent and good-hearted thing: if you need anything, let them know. It might seem pat and obvious, but the truth is, at least with the folks I call friends, it is also a genuine sentiment. Receiving the news that someone you care about is going through a difficult time, not to mention the prospect of some level of suffering to one degree or another, brings out the same essential impulse in most people. They want to help, but often don’t have a clear idea of how or when their assistance will be best suited. While some people will instinctively run away, most friendships will endure and even flower in unexpected ways. People who are barely more than acquaintances will come through unexpectedly. There is, in short, an outpouring of love in trying times.
But this only happens under the right circumstances, key among which is the willingness to accept it. No one will help the person who remains deliberately shut off and alone, regardless of the solitary pain and suffering. But if a person remains open to the gifts of others, whether in time or conversation or meals or advice or whatever form it takes, it is a wholly different story.
This is not a free ticket to take advantage of others, though. In fact, holding back your cards at the beginning isn’t a bad idea. Calling in all your favors at once is a sure fire way to burn your friends out. Not that they won’t try to keep up with demand as necessary, because that is what friends do, but we all have limits to our endurance and, more realistically, out time. Respect of other people’s lives and obligations is important, no matter what. We all have them.
On the other hand, we all need a little help sometimes. No person is truly alone in this world and our lives and our trials always affect other people in some way. Sometimes, even when things are not going well, this symbiotic relationship we all have with others can end up being good for everyone involved. Remember, it feels good to give, it feels good to help out. We are each of us gratified by doing for others, for the sole reason of easing a burden or bringing some joy. And it is always okay to ask for this.
Sometimes, however, people forget what a patient might be going through. For many of us, this is a good thing. We don’t want to be defined by a diagnosis or a condition, and it serves us to be treated the same as everyone else. Most of the time. We might want our co-workers to forget our personal problems. Until that day when you or I might be too tired to complete a particular task, not from lack sleep or even lack of will, but simply from inhabiting a body beaten down from all sides. At times like this, when we cannot rise to the occasion, we have to remember that card which has been kept close to the vest.
Play that card. Someone else will jump in to complete the task. It might be inconvenient, but that someone will be willing, even gratified to do it, because that person will ultimately understand and want to help.