Tag Archives: Fear

Why I Kept My Cancer Private

In this age of social media, some people might question why I kept quiet about my cancer treatment for as long as I did. There were some very simple reasons for me — in spite of the fact that I was writing a blog about it the whole time. (If you are learning about my experience for the first time, that link is a good place to start reading after you are done here.) Essentially, however, I wanted to keep my personal life separate from what I felt might otherwise define me in the eyes of others. This was a short-term issue, I realized, because at some point the nature of living with an inoperable cancer is that it does define much of a patient’s life, regardless of how much one might prefer otherwise. So I decided to try the slow roll out of information and, to be quite honest, it has served me well (and I also think it has been good for many of the people in my life, too).

When I received my initial diagnosis, there were certain people, mainly family members, who already knew that I had some health issues that were being investigated. In addition to my immediate family, there were also my employers and maybe one or two other people who had to be in the loop, and I knew I would tell these people right away when I had all the information.

As part of my research, before I had any solid diagnosis, I had already gone through pretty much every possible scenario in my head and followed up online to gather information on what any potential diagnosis would mean. Along the way, I also discovered that
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Not Dead Yet, No Matter What You May Have Read

A person I know quite well — and with whom I recently have had several lengthy conversations about my current state of affairs — offered an interesting appraisal of her understanding of my health and well-being to my wife. She said, rather unceremoniously, that she had expected me to be dying. In fact, she seemed quite surprised (and possibly a bit put off) by how healthy I appeared. Turns out, I have news for her:

I’m not dead yet.

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In fact, here I am, looking quite well (and dare I say “dashing”) in my new progressive lenses picked up today to aid my aging eyes. True, after over 15 years of having a stable prescription, the chemotherapy seems to have begun affecting my vision ever so slightly, at least in the first couple of feet. So this minor side effect has required me to jump straight into trifocal territory. Aside from the minor “swimmy” effect of turning my head side to side while looking through the “mid-range” section, these are actually quite amazing. But that isn’t really what this entry is about, so I’m going to move along.

The thing that most startled me, and which I actually took some offense at, was the notion that a person who is not stupid managed to ignore virtually everything that she had been told about my condition, the state of cancer research and, perhaps most importantly, why statistics do not tell a whole story, or often even a remotely correct one. And what did this person rely upon to make up her mind about what I was going through and my prognosis for continuing life?

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Narratives Matter, Beginning to End

On the heels of a recent discussion on changing the Narrative of Cancer as a means to enable better communication and understanding with regard to the hundreds of cancer variants, I came across a very interesting article on a closely related topic: changing the Narrative of Dying. Far from being a depressing or downbeat approach, the article discusses the need for reevaluating our collective understanding of the “end of life” process in order to facilitate a healthier and happier means for saying our goodbyes without forgetting that, until the last moment, we are all still living and participating in this world. It touches on some important ideas, pivoting about the notion that our system, our society, marginalizes and fears death and, more specifically, the process of dying. Yet, death is as much a part of our existence as birth.
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Changing the Narrative Through Language

In conversation with my mother, we began talking, as we often do, about politics. She related to me a story about how at a dinner party recently the topic of Ted Cruz came up and how he was receiving support from some of the more conservative members of the dinner party. One of the things that they raised as a positive issue was his opposition to gay marriage, in spite of the fact that, apparently, there were several gay or lesbian friends at this party. That alone seemed pretty uncool, but tact isn’t the point here. My mother’s response was that it isn’t the place of the government to police lifestyle options or the choice of homosexuals to publicly live that way. This is where I put the breaks on the conversation. Lifestyle options and choice are not matters that truly, empirically figure into the equation of whether homosexual, transgender or bisexual individuals are deserving of the same rights and privileges of their sexually straight counterparts, by which I mean fellow citizens. These words are linguistic tools that actually hamper the progress of our understanding by being misleading and, ultimately serve to enforce the stereotypes that the Far Right uses to suppress rights of individuals. As long as the narrative remains unchanged, progress does not occur. Continue reading Changing the Narrative Through Language

The Chemo Diaries Round Six: Cycles End, Cycles Begin

Going into the final round of what I term Phase One of my treatment, I am reflecting a bit on two coincidences that have given me plenty to ruminate on. One of these is the fact that of one of my high school friends who I have not seen in far too many years informed me recently that her spouse is also going through chemotherapy and, interestingly, was just about a week ahead of me in the treatment schedule. The other coincidence of merit this week is that my neighbor will be starting her own chemo treatments at the same time I go in to complete my initial run of this badass toxic cocktail before moving toward a kinder and gentler maintenance schedule.

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Ready for my hook up, Nurse!

Neither of these coincidentally timed treatments are for the same cancer, which would have been too weird for believability anyway, and we probably won’t share identical side effects across the board or react too similarly to the drugs, but there is still a commonality of experience that cannot be denied. My friend from high school is one of those rare and thoughtful people who is cursed with the right balance of kindness and patience to really place herself in the center of care giving. It feels weird saying this, but I would not wish that upon anyone, as great a gift as it is. This goes back to my issue with patient guilt, perhaps; I feel lacking when I cannot help those suffering worse than me or I feel guilty about not suffering as much as them, and this extrapolates to me not wanting others to suffer as a result of my condition or being forced to take care of me. Continue reading The Chemo Diaries Round Six: Cycles End, Cycles Begin

Cancer: What You Think It Is May Be Just Bad For You

Cancer Is Not Intelligent, Cancer Has No Will

Discussing cancer in general terms often leads to insinuations that Cancer has a motivation. It “overcomes” the immune system. It “figures out” how to defeat a drug. It “is surprisingly good at mutating” into something that can continue to grow in spite of whatever is attacking it. It is “nefarious.” All of these descriptions, and there are hundreds more, imply that Cancer wants something, that it is making an effort, that it has an agenda or goal; the implication is that Cancer has a mind. This is a fallacy of thought that not only makes general discussion more difficult, but it actually can impede treatment and healing. Continue reading Cancer: What You Think It Is May Be Just Bad For You

Natural Cancer Remedies: What You Don’t Want To Know (But Should)

Natural cancer remedies have been around for at least 3,000 years and yet it appears that modern science and Western Medicine either ignore these time-tested solutions or are in a conspiracy to keep them from the public. Why is this the case? The truth is much more insidious. But to understand it fully, we need to explore the history of cancer and how these natural cancer remedies are supposed to work.
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Wartime Bad, Peace Good

We all have our daily battles. For me, these often have included little things, like holding my shit together while my daughter danced in front of the mirror instead of getting dressed for school or brushing her teeth. Lately, my battles have expanded to getting a deep breath after climbing the stairs, or getting up from a chair. Or just standing in a corner, leaning against a wall. Thankfully, that sort of battle is still relatively rare for me and only lasts a short time, but they remind me of how unimportant (or maybe very important) other battles have been–not in the fighting, of course, but in the experiences around them.
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Negativity is Positively Not in Your Best Interest

I had a few other titles for this post sliding around in my brain. After getting up and down to move the cat out of my daughter’s bedroom a few times, this is the only one that had stuck, so I’m going to go with it in spite of the cheesy wordplay. Partly, that is because it is also an accurate summation of my perspective.

Today is November 7th, 2014. It’s a Friday. And it is a good day.

Yesterday, after three-odd months of waiting and questions and test after test, I finally received a diagnosis from  my doctor regarding why I haven’t been feeling precisely top-drawer recently. It turns out that, in general terms, I have Stage 4 Lung Cancer. More specifically, I have Adenocarcinoma, which is a non-small cell form of lung cancer, and it has spread from the 3 odd centimeter mass in my left lung to a few lymph nodes and eventually down to my hip bone. And I am so thankful to have this diagnosis. Not because I am pleased to “have cancer,” which would be kind of perverse, but because now I know what I am dealing with and I can get on with it.
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The neglect & trivialization of violence against women is horribly wrong

Native American Women are disproportionately victimized without justice. This is horribly wrong. Domestic issues of victimization through forced prostitution are swept under the rug, with the prostituted frequently being punished when they are often the true victims. Often discussed dispassionately as a “global problem” with the thought that this sort of thing happens only in underdeveloped or backward nations, it is truly happening in every country and in virtually everyone’s backyard. Hyperbolic? Not particularly; it just depends how you define “backyard.” For the sake of this position, I will broaden it to mean “local community,” and challenge you, dear Reader, to find a community in the United States that does not have at least one instance of violence against women. Continue reading The neglect & trivialization of violence against women is horribly wrong