I am a 46 year old white man with stage 4 lung cancer, but at least I’m not a young, unarmed black man minding his own business in a public space. That is my takeaway from the last quarter of 2014. Privilege certainly exists in present day America and a huge part of that privilege is not having to fear for one’s life when going out for something as simple as a cup of coffee (more accurately, a latte or cappuccino) or a vial of perfectly legal medical marijuana.
The True Meaning of Christmas, or Don’t Let Religion Ruin the Holidays
Christmas is quickly coming upon us — at least those of us who celebrate the holiday. True believers, and by that I do not necessarily mean believers in Truth, will have us know that this is the time when we celebrate the birth of their favorite martyr, Jesus Christ. They will tell you that the focus of this holiday is meant to be upon the deeds and messages of the Christ, and they will occasionally complain about the commercialized nature of the holiday. On that last point, I agree with them wholeheartedly. Too many people seem to believe that Christmas is about celebrating excess consumerism, branded marketing and petty indulgences. Yet the real meaning of the holiday isn’t exactly either of those extremes.
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When Being Unfortunate is Good Fortune
People talk about luck all the time. Good luck that this happened, bad luck that that happened. It is spoken of as if “luck” is an actual thing, with a consciousness or purpose. Yet, rationally, we should all understand that luck does not exist. There is “chance.” There are “odds.” But there is no such thing as luck outside of an emotional response to fortune (or lack of it). That is to say, one might feel fortunate if, for instance, one were to be diagnosed with a chronic disease early enough to do something to stem the tide, or live in a country where the survival rates are generally above 50 percent and increasing rather than decreasing.
Of course, there are those who would be in a wealthy country with cutting edge healthcare and an early diagnosis who would still only see their personal misfortune with such a diagnosis. But this isn’t about those pathetically myopic individuals, this is about the reason we should be glad we don’t live in India. And if you happen to be reading this from within the borders of India, my apologies, but hopefully you are a politically motivated activist with the means to make your voice heard.
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Luck Is a Rotten Concept (and therefore definitely bad for you)
I’ve always considered myself a pretty lucky guy. Really, even now, there is plenty of reason to feel as though I have led a blessed existence. But if I hear one more person suggest that getting cancer is “bad luck” or that I need some “good luck” to cure it, I may just pop a cork.
Let’s get one thing straight: luck does not really exist.
There is a story in one of my daughter’s picture books about a farmer who has bad luck, but it turns out to be really good luck, but leads to something bad which also turns out to be fortunate… Luck is a concept that leads nowhere except back upon itself.
Here are some other things that do not really exist: karma, providence, fate. These are concepts that fall into the realm of belief for many people, through their philosophical visions of the world or their religion. But they are not real things that act upon us or respond to our own actions. They are concepts which we can use to qualify the world around us as we see fit, but that is about where it ends. When I say that I consider myself lucky, I really mean that I have been fortunate. And that is true, I feel fortunate. I have been in places that seemed right for me at the time. I have had experiences that appeared to be just what I needed when they happened. But I don’t think that there was any level of destiny involved.
In fact, I am sure that were those experiences not to have happened or if my geography were different, I would have found some comparable sensation of things going correctly for my life in some other way. We, as humans, have a unique ability to draw correlations and spot “coincidences” (another thing that does not really exist in a broad, deliberate sense) because humans love patterns. Humans love things to be happening for a purpose. Humans love the idea that there is a bigger plan out there drawing them through life.
But it doesn’t work that way. Not really. And yet, this should not stop us from appreciating the connections we see, appraising the fortune in our existences and being open to the beauty of it all.
The problem occurs when it is treated too literally. This stops people from being an active part of their own lives to some degree, and it certainly alters the level of personal responsibility in some way, whether skewing it high or low. On one hand, there is the notion of karma, which indicates that we have a far, far higher level of control in how our fortunes evolve. The flip side to that is the notion of luck, which basically means that we have no control whatsoever. Neither of those is absolutely true, though a certain bit of each undeniably plays into our personal experience. Certainly, if we create an action, it will have consequences, thus playing into the concept of karma with the occasional minor bit of accuracy. And certainly there are things that are entirely out of our direct control that can affect us positively (winning the lottery) or negatively (winning the lottery) depending on how our ensuing responses play out. Or a plane can fly into your house and kill everyone. That is pretty bad luck, but probably not strictly karmic, unless you have been really, really bad.
When I step outside and breath in the fresh morning air, it reminds me of how good it is to be alive. I try to take stock of the things I have to be grateful for every day, because I have seen how fragile our existence is and how ephemeral most of the things of this world truly are. I pay attention to the state of the planet, the interplay of nations and the goings on in my own backyard and then I consider my own personal space and the imaginary fence that runs protectively around my family.
The simple facts of my life cannot be undervalued to me and yet at times I wonder how — and more importantly, why — I have been in the position to have this level of good fortune. I was born into a nice family through no fault nor predisposition of my own. I’ve been gifted with certain levels of security all my life that many other people have never had the privilege of experiencing. And these things are inherently unfair in the broader scheme of the world. Thus, counting my fortunes also makes me feel somewhat responsible for spreading them. If I cannot exactly share my level of modest security or my largely trauma-free upbringing, I have to find some other way to share and improve the world around me.
For many years, I’ve sought to do this with the tool of ideas, and I realize that may not be enough. So I continue to look for ways to bring my feeling of good fortune out into the world for others. And it is a sensibility I would like to extend to my fellow human citizens of the world. While “luck” may well be a pretty rotten concept for the simple reason that it absolves the believer of responsibility, the notion of good fortune, earned or otherwise, is somewhat different. Fortunes are meant to be shared, not horded. And if those fortunes are emotional or intellectual or whatever, they can benefit a wider society just as easily as if they were monetary. And perhaps even more so. But as a culture, we never will know until more people focus on spreading their fortunes, an act that cannot even begin until those people acknowledge the fortunes they already have.
The Chemo Diaries: Prologue
Today the results of my gene sequencing were the topic of discussion with my favorite oncologist. We had hoped that a specifically identifiable mutation would have shown up, qualifying me for targeted therapy, but in the generally disappointing fashion of Things That Don’t Go Your Way, none such mutations came to the party. Not that they were invited in the first place, since I have a tendency to leave the Truly Annoying and Unwelcome off the list, but when there is a fifty/fifty chance that your unwanted guest will be easier to evict, you do find yourself hoping for that loophole. Or at least I did. But really, fifty/fifty is a flip of the coin, and I got tails.
So I am going to start the more traditional chemo. This is inconvenient for a number of reasons. I mean, I will have to be on a strict schedule for, well, possibly the rest of my life, or at least as long as the benefits outweigh the risks (as my doctor put it with appropriate bluntness and a smile). Of course, travel plans will be difficult. And the prospect of being tired or nauseous for up to a third of my life seems kind of stupid. But wait: others have walked this road successfully before me. The path is well worn. While the annoyance factor is way up, is it really so bad?
We all have crappy things to face in life, but that doesn’t make it any less worth living. Not to be crass, but at least I wasn’t hit by a bus or infected with Ebola far from medical help. Sure, those things are occasionally survivable, but my thing has an industry devoted to keeping me alive and a growing number of survival stories each year. So sign me up for treatment. Sign me up for my the week drip. I’ve got good veins (the doc said so, again with that smile).
Old Age Is Bad for You
Old age is bad for you, but it isn’t necessarily going to kill you. At least not right away.
This concept may seem obvious, but I think it bears mentioning. Life is fragile. We complain all the time, it seems, about ailments and fears. I mean this culturally, socially, as something that simply is part of the ongoing discussion. And the older we get, whether that means moving into our 30s or 40s or through middle age into the senior years, it seems to occur with greater frequency. In my 20s I had back problems and knee problems and I used to bitch about them, more so in my 30s, along with headaches and other nonsense. So I get migraines. So I pulled that muscle. It’s all a bitch getting older.
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Rejecting Research Is Never a Good Option
As a person living with cancer, I get suggestions all the time to look at non-medical treatments. By this, I mean mainly nutritional or holistic approaches that are meant to directly replace the use of “Western” medicine. Each suggestion comes with an anecdotal reference to someone who was “cured” by these methods, which range from the clearly bizarre to sensible health choices. Digging deeper, of course, reveals that every verifiable success story includes the use of early surgery or extensive chemo and radiation therapies.
And none of them, so far, have applied directly to my particular brand of cancer.
It doesn’t bother me so much to
Wartime Bad, Peace Good
We all have our daily battles. For me, these often have included little things, like holding my shit together while my daughter danced in front of the mirror instead of getting dressed for school or brushing her teeth. Lately, my battles have expanded to getting a deep breath after climbing the stairs, or getting up from a chair. Or just standing in a corner, leaning against a wall. Thankfully, that sort of battle is still relatively rare for me and only lasts a short time, but they remind me of how unimportant (or maybe very important) other battles have been–not in the fighting, of course, but in the experiences around them.
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Never Underestimate the Power of a Good Title
So I have been ruminating on the title of my future memoir. The one I’ll be writing about this experience with cancer once it has run its course. Or rather, once its course has been run. I come solidly from the camp that appreciates having the title up front. Not that I’m opposed to changing it once the work has been completed, mind you. But I like to start every work with a few solid words that guide its development. The title, to me, sets the tone and theme and gets the ball rolling. Until that ball hits a wall or gets stuck in a corner or something, and then the title can be chucked right out and replaced. But still…
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Pain Is Bad For You, But It Is Better Than Malaise
When I woke up this morning, one of the first things I noticed was that laughing was painful. It wasn’t much of a surprise, as I had an incision at the base of my neck just at the bone, where tubes had been stuffed under the skin yesterday. And I had also had a bronchioscopy, so my throat was expected to be sore. But the grogginess and woozy feeling of the previous evening was thankfully gone.
Day after lymph node biopsy: http://youtu.be/ZbiCjcuTBh0
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