There is a lot to be said for knowing where you are going. And even if you can’t know the destination, at least knowing the path you are on.
When I first began wondering what was going on with my health, I suspected that I was merely dealing with fallout from a steroid treatment that I had taken for a shoulder injury. The steroids had left me wiped out and susceptible to whatever viruses my daughter was bringing home from school…and I spent several weeks fighting off whatever respiratory illness had dripped in my lap. Once the “colds” began clearing up, I had a few small infections that seemed to persist in my nose and finger. At that point, no one suspected that the nose infection was actually a weird little ingrown hair, but I was getting more concerned that the shortness of breath I had begun to experience was a result of walking pneumonia. The initial diagnosis was a probable systemic staph infection, but I was sent for a chest X-ray just to be on the safe side.
And that was when I suddenly no longer had an obvious path.
The X-ray identified a 3cm mass
in my lung but was not enough to identify the cause. At 46 and in otherwise excellent health, with no history of lung issues in my family outside of my own childhood bronchitis, and with no significant personal history with tobacco or asbestos or coal mining, all indications were that this must be some sort of infection. Still, following protocol, I had to consult with a thoracic surgeon and, naturally, do more imaging tests.
The CT scan that followed indicated that, indeed, I had a clear mass which might or might not be cancerous, but which required a biopsy to be sure. And before the biopsy, it would be prudent to get a PET scan, which in turn provided evidence that whatever it was in my system was also showing up in other places, like lymph nodes and bone.
This was all quite a surprise, as I had been feeling progressively and demonstrably better since the day of the first X-ray. But having all these scans, and associated blood tests with virtually each one, was sowing the seeds of doubt about my health and my future. Each test nudged gently in the direction of cancer.
It was an unsettling feeling, to say the least, to have THAT door as a possible option while so many other doors were still there. And none of the professionals I was dealing with felt comfortable with that diagnosis. It just didn’t fit. And yet, when the biopsy of bone tissue from my left hip was complete and cells had positively identified adenocarcinoma as the culprit, it was a strange and odd relief to just know what I was dealing with. For the first time in nearly three months, I suddenly felt my feet solidly on a singular path.
Of course, the path was not yet fully defined. It still had the potential to branch off in very different ways, but at least all of those possibilities led to the same end target: getting through to the other side. Along the way, there is the unavoidable issue of more tests and more waiting, but all in the service of a more highly defined diagnosis and, therefore, a narrower path of options.
This is a good thing, in spite of my general unease around needles. Yet, rationally, I know that without all these tests there simply would be less data from which to better create my map. And regardless of whether the lines on that map are winding or straight, it is comforting to know that my map will be intensely detailed and accurate by the time it is ready for my journey to shift into high gear.
In two days, I will be having my second biopsy so that DNA sequencing can be done on cells from a lymph node off to the right of my esophagus. Between now and then, further analysis of blood has commenced and four vials from today plus whatever they take tomorrow at my next appointment will give a wider picture of my overall health. My urine is also being tested and moments ago I had my first EKG. The good news is, my heart seems fine. And previous tests, including the pulmonary test which showed my lung capacity performing at around 85% in spite of the mass and a raised diaphragm on the left side, all actually continue to indicate that I am overwhelmingly healthy.
Using each test or procedure as a benchmark, this next biopsy should leave me feeling pretty close to 100%, which is not far from where I feel today at roughly 95%…all up significantly from the 60-70% I was feeling just a little over two months ago. Improvement happens every day as the path is drawn in darker ink. For that, I am grateful.
